And, she’s back at it.
Today she is particularly pleased with herself. I sense the jauntiness in her stride. I have allowed a gentle return to her passion. We have jogged around leisurely as she acclimatises herself to new shortened bones, plates and taut muscles. The relentless tenacity has had me wake up earlier again, but not quite at 4am. I shudder at the thought of it. It may come. I hear her appeasing those around her, with “I’m just so grateful to be able to go for a jog,” its absolute bullshit of course. She has engineered a training plan. I am whisked off to gym and up and down she goes on all my sensitive parts, weighted calf raisers, rotary calf raisers, squats, lunges, it’s absolutely mind blowing. The next day we hit the road, the next day, I feel electric waves rush through the mother body as she “Bodytechs”. Ah, then the “rest day,” she is SO not rested, she paces around, dissatisfied.
In her defence while on the couch last week, she did try to briefly waft through this little concern of hers, she is aware of it. She queried if it may be a personality flaw, no shit Sheila. “I was so grateful to be able to do 5 km, but then I pushed to 6, then 7, then 8.” We are currently dashing around the Constantia suburbs for a little over 10 km. She is watching her Garmin again and the foot strides are becoming more rapid, the hair on her neck sodden and her pulse rate pounding. As she sits on the couch contemplating what has been suggested at her session, she eagerly nods her head and agrees that maybe all that is necessary is an iPod, “Yeah, she says, I guess I could just run on my own, for the joy of it while listening to music.” Bullshit, she can’t. All the reasons she initially gave for pushing her body further and further are no longer prevalent, or are they? What is missing? Why is everything she does so measured? Was she pressured to perform as a child or is it simply the classic “A” type personality, or is she still running away, and then from what? Is she simply a crazy runner?
In her mind I think it is aligned with coming out of rehab, it is aligned with alcoholism. It is aligned with a lack of control. She is fearful of the hold it has on her and simply being unable to manage it. It is her dirty little secret. She tries to pretend that it is a casual activity. She puffed and pushed me up to Groot Constantia this morning and on the trot through the vineyards, I felt her come alive. I get the endorphins, I get the ecstasy of achievement . I am just so scared that she will compromise me, or for that sake, my partner in crime, and all will be lost. She knows it too. I do not want to fail her again.
I have no need to whisper to or jab her at present, I am not feeling pain. Long may she be free to run. Our bodies and body members are all part of a temple are they not?